I've spent months thinking about writing an honest post about infertility. I never did because I was afraid of making people feel uncomfortable. But I want to be an advocate for the issues that surround infertility. I want to help others going through this know that they are not alone.
So listen up! This is our story. We tried to get pregnant for 3 years, spent almost all of our savings on tests and still weren't able to get pregnant. It sucked. To say the least. My doctors and fertility specialist were helpful until I got my diagnosis of hypothyroidism and PCOS. After that, it was like everything stopped and they just told me to keep spending money on more tests and more Clomid. No help on how to control my PCOS. I eventually stopped going to them trying to get help getting pregnant and just wanted help with pain that I have been having for over a year. Every time I went in it was the same thing. I had a giant cyst, they gave me birth control to make it shrink, and I would around $200 for a simple 30 second ultrasound and two minutes of the doctor's time before she would run out of the room without asking me if I had questions. I did that for months. It used up money that was supposed to be going into savings. It was hard and frustrating and I would bawl after every visit. How was I supposed to get pregnant? Without birth control I would have cysts that prevent me from ovulating and birth control is very effective for me and I am not lucky enough to get pregnant on that. It was a never ending cycle of cysts and birth control.
Throughout all of this my self-esteem hit rock bottom. I truly hated myself. I often thought I must have done something wrong at one point in my life for God to think I needed to go through this. I thought maybe God thought I didn't deserve to have children. I could hardly stand to look in the mirror because my PCOS causes horrible breakouts and I do not know how to use makeup to cover up acne correctly. I gained 20 pounds (I've lost 7 lbs thanks to a $3 jump rope and less soda!) and honestly I felt like a huge balloon. I figured I wasn't good enough to be a mom and that I obviously didn't deserve it. I wasn't able to sleep. I did not have any positive thoughts about myself.
I compared myself left and right to others. Especially young moms and women who are pregnant, and I often felt like others were comparing me to others too. I pulled away from people I know and care about who were able to get pregnant. I was jealous. I didn't understand why they got to have their own kids and I couldn't. It hurt and I did not want to hurt more than I already did. So I stopped talking to them completely. I lost friendships that I never wanted to lose, but my jealousy caused me to pull away. Infertility can cause feelings that break apart relationships.
Talking about infertility has not been easy, and that makes me frustrated. I have tried to be more open about it and now I talk about it all of the time, to most people. There are still others I dare not talk to about it because I am afraid of getting judged harshly and they will give me very unhelpful and hurtful advice. So my next point is, give support, not advice. Advice seems to just hurt more than help. I know you mean well and that sadly, people do not know what to say. No one wants to admit that it is happening. It is a really crappy thing to happen, but all it does is make it worse and you are gambling that won't get punched in the face.
We do not care if your niece ate pineapple for a month straight and got pregnant. We hate the idea that it will happen when it happens (it may not happen!). Do not tell us to pray harder (honestly, what a horrible thing to say!). Don't tell us that your friend got pregnant after she adopted (good for her! Not everyone is so lucky!). Please do not tell us how easy it was to get pregnant for you. We are jealous, and flaunting it just really is not nice. You had to try for 2-11 months to get pregnant? You have no idea what it is like, so please do not try and tell us you do. Please stop telling us that we are young and have time. That is so not the point. Infertility literally kills dreams, no matter how young you are, it still hurts and having time does not make it stop hurting. Don't tell me to just enjoy spending time with my husband. You just made me feel worse for not enjoying my husband when I thought I was! Please please please do not tell me to relax. Telling me to relax makes me more stressed and unable to relax.
I have read so many posts on harmful things that people say and unfortunately we have been the receivers of almost every one of those comments. I know people aren't trying to be rude or hurtful, but it happens. Just please think about what you say. You may be thinking, “well I do not know what to say”. Simply saying I am so sorry or that sucks, really means a lot. Or asking how you can help means a lot. Just listening to someone talk about it can make a difference. Asking how an appointment went is always nice. Not saying anything and giving a hug is always a safe way to go if you do not know what to say.
Not knowing what to say is understandable. People just do not like to talk about it. Why? I imagine it is like how people do not like to talk about depression and anxiety. For some dumb reason it is awkward. It can be hard, but the more we talk about it, the easier it will be and people will start to understand how prevalent infertility is. 1 in 8 couples have to deal with infertility. It is extremely common, and it needs to be talked about. I hope that those suffering from infertility will speak up this week. I hope that people will become more aware of this issue so that more can be done about it. Right now there is pretty much no help from insurance providers when it comes to fertility (do not get me started on that). That needs to change (that is all I will say about it).
Everyone goes through infertility differently. I happen to be quite bitter and cynical and often felt like I was the only one who felt like that. Everyone else seemed to have hope, and after the first year and a half, our hope disappeared. I had people tell me to not give up hope and say it will happen. Honestly, Abe and I do not think it will happen, and we have come to terms with that. There are other options out there.
I have heard many women say that their infertility has been a blessing. I have not yet felt like my infertility has been a blessing. If my infertility is supposed to be a blessing, I feel like it will be a blessing for someone else. Hopefully someone who is struggling with it also and can relate and know that they are not alone. As alone as you may feel, remember that there are still women out there (like me!) who haven't been able to get pregnant. For women out there still going through this, please remember that you are not alone.
-Amanda and Abraham
